This is supposedly done in the name of fairness; the idea being that it is most fair to the mom and the dad if they both have equal time with the children. (Many also believe this is beneficial to the child even though most Developmental Psychologists argue that moving constantly from home to home is detrimental to children.)

I think it is important that we re-examine what we mean by “fair”. It seems to me that it would be fair to the child if the care the child received before separation remained the same, as much as possible, after separation. That would mean, whoever the primary care-giver was before separation would be the primary care-giver after separation. In the case of abuse, the child would see their dad but would live with their moms and benefit from all that that security affords them. 

I do, however, think that we live in a society that is in deep denial about the pervasiveness and horror of abuse that grips so many women’s lives.

In Canada, a federal politician, Ujjal Dosanjh, after the death of several women at the hands of their partners, told women that all they had to do is come forward and report the abuse and they would be cared for. This shows a profoundly hurtful level of ignorance of the challenges faced by women when they try to leave their abusive partners.

As a society, too often we are not there for women. Too often police do not take women’s concerns seriously. Women leaving from middle class backgrounds, with no financial resources, are denied any help because, on paper, they have assets, even though they can not access them. And perhaps worst of all, we refuse to protect children after a separation insisting that the mother and father share joint custody even though the mother knows that the father is abusive to the children.

So, in my estimation, there is a lot of denial going on but it is not the women who are in denial.

Karen.

The movie does a good job of portraying domestic violence. Lily’s mother is portrayed as a beautiful and bright woman who is attracted to Lily’s father for all the right reasons. But, as is true to life, Lily’s father hides his abusiveness until Lily’s mother is pregnant and can no longer just walk away. The abuse escalates and lives are destroyed.

Despite the heavy nature of the topics explored in the movie, “The Secret Life of Bees” is a very uplifting and encouraging story. I saw it with my parents, and my son. After the movie, we couldn’t stop talking about it. My son is 13 and my folks are in their 70’s. We had all been drawn in by this great story of amazing women. I’d highly recommend the movie to anyone. I think I just recommended it to you!