Women often struggle with their feelings of love for their partner. Perhaps others have suggested that you are “crazy” for still loving your partner. We do not think you are crazy. We think you are having normal feelings that make a lot of sense, given your situation.

When you first met your partner, he demonstrated a lot of positive behaviour and it was this depiction of himself that you fell in love with. You have now seen him do very hurtful and self-centred things but you still remember the person you first thought he was. On top of this, those more positive looking behaviours keep coming back around. This has to do with the Cycle of Abuse – Honeymoon, Tension, Explosion. He first presented you with Honeymoon behaviour and he returns, at times, to that more positive looking behaviour. If all you ever saw from him was Explosions, it would probably be easier to stop loving him but the Honeymoon behaviour sparks hope in you – that is the intention of Honeymoon behaviour.

Also, women have taught us, love is not an emotion that can easily be turned off. If you have been in relationship for a long time with your partner and have loved him for many years, you will not likely loose those emotions over night. Love is not like a light switch that can just be flicked off. It seems to die out slowly for most women. Abuse destroys it slowly, kind of like cancer slowing destroying good cells.

Some women have found it helpful to journal what their partner has done to them. Sometimes seeing the negative things in black and white can help you remember just how devastating his abuse can be. Some women have reported that when they feel they are being “honeymooned” they look back over their journal and that helps them to see things more clearly. For many women, journals have helped them to see that the “bad” greatly outweighs the “good”. (If you keep a journal, be sure to keep it well hidden from your partner. If there is no safe place to hide it, journaling is probably not a good idea for now.)

The fact that you are a loving person is not a shortcoming in you. You are probably a compassionate person capable of commitment. This is a good thing. But maybe your partner is not worthy of your kind and open heart and maybe you want to begin to shift your love, care and concern away from him and towards people who do deserve it. One person who for sure deserves your love, care and concern is you!

Sometimes women wonder if their partner’s problem is abuse or addiction. If you know your partner has an addiction, maybe you hope that if he gets clean and sober he will stop being so hurtful towards you. Unfortunately, women’s experiences have taught us that this is not likely the case.

It is painful to consider that abuse and addiction are two separate issues and that probably your partner does not have one problem but two: he is both abusive and addicted.

Here is how we have come to think about this issue. Women repeatedly report to us that even when their partners sober up, they continue to be abusive. The abuse might look a little different, but the woman will still feel dominated and controlled by her partner’s behaviour. Some women report that drugs or alcohol lower their partner’s inhibitions so they might be more physically abusive while they are under the influence but the abuse will persist whether their partner is using or not. Here is how one woman describes her experience:

In the past when Nate was drinking, he would be very angry and loud when he was drunk. He would yell and throw things. Now that he is sober, he doesn’t do that anymore but he does other things that are really bad. He’s critical about everything I do and I think he’s started talking to the kids about me behind my back. I think he is trying to turn my kids against me. – Patty

Men who are abusive are abusive because of their beliefs about themselves and their partner. They believe they are entitled to a great many things. They always want things to go their way. This belief system is there whether they are using or not. So whether they are clean and sober or not, they are going to behave in abusive ways.

Your partner, very likely, has two problems. He is probably both addicted to a substance and he is abusive. He will need counseling, treatment and accountability for both of his problems. The first step would be for him to admit to both of these problems and take full responsibility for them.

This is probably very difficult for you to consider. It has maybe felt hopeful to think that all that needed to happen was for him to sober up. It can be quite devastating to realize that his problems are much bigger and more complex than this. Also, many women realize that their partner will never take responsibility for their actions and will not do the hard work that would be needed for real change.

If your partner is both abusive and an addict, it can be hard to figure out where there is hope. If your partner is not willing to look at his actions and their negative impacts honestly, how can you two have a future together? If your focus has been on hoping your relationship will get better, maybe you can start investing your hope in yourself more. Is there something positive you can do for yourself that might be a little step toward to a better life – regardless of what choices your partner makes? Can you reach out for some support? Can you take an advantage of an opportunity in your community? Your partner will likely be unhappy about you doing anything positive for yourself and, of course, you need to pay attention to your safety but it is brutally hard to live with someone who is both an addict and abusive. You deserve good things in your life.

If you are reading this blog we don’t think you are in denial. If you are reading this blog you are thinking critically about your relationship and searching for answers. That is not denial.

Women who are living with abusive men sometimes get accused of being in denial but we don’t think that is what is going on.
It may be true that you do not dwell on the full gravity of your situation all the time but that makes sense to us. Your situation is probably too overwhelming to think about all the time. A woman who is living with abuse is living in a war zone. Most of her attention and energy has to go to trying to keep her children and herself emotionally and physically safe. She is focusing on just trying to get through the day. It is very hard to have the mental energy to step back and look at the bigger picture.

Added to this is that sometimes your partner may be in the Honeymoon phase of the Cycle and things might not seem “too bad”. No one leaves a relationship that they thought would last a lifetime easily or lightly. It is gut wrenchingly difficult. So, of course, when you see the more positive behaviour of the Honeymoon you want to hope for the best – that this time it will last.

As well, for most women, there are a myriad of concerns and issues to think through. If you separate, where will you live? How will you have enough money? What about the children? Our guess is that you do think about these things and try to weigh out your options but it is too exhausting to think about them all the time and the options may seem really bad.

In our experience, women are always working hard to try to make life better for themselves and their children. They are doing everything they can, at a given time. You know that things are not okay right now and you are trying to make them better. This is hard work – not denial.

It might be helpful for you to know that we have learned from women that they find their way forward by taking “baby steps”. What we mean by this is that women rarely change everything in their life all at once. Rather they try to make a better life for themselves and their children one small step at a time. If you are reading this blog, that is a good step forward. You are looking for the support and information that you need and deserve.

So lift that label of “being in denial” off your back. You do not need that negative descriptor of yourself on top of everything else you are dealing with. Know that you are coping and managing the best you can and try to feel good about the positive things – even if they are very small – you are doing for yourself or your children.

Am I Addicted to Him?

Sometimes women wonder if they are addicted to their partner. Claire described her feelings in this way.

I don’t know what is wrong with me. I can’t seem to stop thinking about him. I know he has hurt me but I just keep thinking about how good things were in the beginning. Part of me wants to stay away from him but part of me just wants to pick up the phone and call him. My friends think I am nuts. One friend said I was “addicted” to him.  She said that I am always trying to get back to that “high” that I had with him when we first got together. Is that what is happening?

We do not think you are addicted to your partner. We think you are having the normal thoughts and feelings that women have as they try to leave an abusive relationship. Remind yourself about the Cycle of Abuse. When you first met your partner, he showed you a lot of Honeymoon behaviour. This is what attracted you to him. Maybe he presented himself as thoughtful, considerate, interested in you… Whatever it was that he presented at that time, it looked good – it would have looked good to anyone. Furthermore, this seemingly more positive behaviour kept coming back around leaving you with the impression that the Honeymoon behaviour was the “real man”.

But at this point, you have not just experienced this Honeymoon behaviour you have also experienced Tension Building and Explosions. All of which leave a woman spinning and confused. How can one person appear to be both so loving and so hurtful?

Of course, you look back on the early days of your relationship with fondness and want to be able to go back to that time. You want to be treated well; the way he seemed to treat you in the beginning. There is nothing wrong with that. The problem is not you, it is him. The problem is that his pattern of Honeymoon, Tension Building and Explosion is abusive, controlling and ultimately devastating for you.

It might help you to reflect on how the Honeymoon is also abusive because it is also about power and control. He behaves in seemingly positive ways because he wants to draw you in and control you. It is really painful to consider that maybe the “good” behaviour he showed you at the beginning of the relationship might have only been Honeymoon, designed to entrap you. He misrepresented himself in the beginning. He did not tell you at the start of the relationship that he was an abusive and controlling man. If he had, you would have run the other way. Instead he presented himself in the beginning as a kind and compassionate man. It is heartbreaking to consider that the person you love or loved deceived you from the start. Perhaps even now he is trying to Honeymoon you with apologies or promises to change. Of course this Honeymoon behaviour looks and sounds good but you can ask yourself, “Is it real? Will it last? Is he really concerned about me or about himself?”

All of this is very hard to process both emotionally and mentally. It takes time. Added to this is that most women, at the end of an abusive relationship, are devastated by the abuse in many ways. Maybe your self-esteem feels shattered. Maybe your partner told you that no one else would want you. Maybe you have lost some of your friends or family because of the relationship. You probably feel very alone and vulnerable. It is normal to want those feelings of loneliness and vulnerability to go away and so of course your thoughts go back to the beginning of the relationship when everything felt so good. This is perhaps why you think about calling him. You are feeling alone and vulnerable and you are remembering the positive ways he sometimes treated you.

But you deserve to be treated well all the time.

This is a gut wrenchingly difficult time in your life. This is a time to be as kind to yourself as you can be. Try to think of ways you can be good to yourself. What could you do to maybe feel less lonely? Is there someone you could reach out to for support? Many women have told us that when they feel like calling their ex, they phone a friend instead. Having a plan to do this might help you the next time you find yourself being pulled back in by his Honeymoon behavior.

In conclusion, we do not think you are addicted to your partner. We think your partner has been acting out the Cycle of Abuse. This pattern of Honeymoon, Tension Building and Explosion leaves you hurt and confused. His abuse has had a devastating impact on your life. It takes time to recover and rebuild from this abuse. You will not always feel as emotionally raw as you do right now. With some time, space and good support, you will start to feel better.

Am I Codependent?

The term “codependent” has its origin in the AA movement. The idea is that someone who lives with an alcoholic or drug addict often ends up developing an unhealthy dependence on the substance user. We think there are a lot of problems with this term and want to look at it critically.
It is important to note that the word “codependent” is not a medical or psychological term. It is simply a label that some people have come to use to describe what they see in the behaviour of those who live with addicts. What is it they see?

Codependency, as defined by Codependence Annonymous is
“ a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways… It also often involves putting one’s needs at a lower priority than others while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others… Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, and/or control patterns.

If your partner is abusive and is an addict, this is going to have a hugely negative impact on your life. You are going to have to pay a great deal of attention to his needs and demands in order to keep you and your children as safe as possible. You will have to put your needs at a lower priority than his if you are to try to avoid explosions. So what some people describe as “codependent” behaviour, we believe, can be better understood as the impact of living with an abusive person.

The AA movement encourages people to emotionally “detach” from the addict’s behaviour but this assumes a number of things. It assumes that “detaching” is an option. If you try to detach, your partner may become more angry and more abusive. It may not be safe to “detach”. It also assumes that you have choices that you may not have. Abusive men tend to take away all the good choices, leaving women with just bad choices. For example, you probably do not want one more dollar of your money to go towards his addiction but if you choose to withhold your money he will make you pay a big price. The “choices” you have are to give him money for his addiction or to be punished for not giving him money. There is no good choice. Your partner likely has more physical, financial and social power than you so the price he makes you pay for not giving him money may be very high. You might try to make decisions to create some space between you and your partner but none of those decisions will be made without cost. You will need to weigh them all out with your safety in mind.

But perhaps what bothers us the most about the term codependent is it suggests that something is wrong with you and that you need to change. We are clear that the problem is your partner’s abuse. You are not to blame and you do not need to change. Furthermore, there is nothing you can do to change him.

Our concern is that if a woman is told she is codependent, this puts the focus on her behaviour and leaves her working hard (once again) to try to improve things in the relationship. We believe that a term like “codependent” simple muddies the water and does nothing to promote women’s safety and well-being.

16 Steps

We affirm we have the power to take charge of our lives and stop being dependent on substances or other people for our self-esteem and security.

We come to believe that God / Goddess / Universe / Great Spirit / Higher Power awakens the healing wisdom within us when we open ourselves to that power.

We make a decision to become our authentic selves and trust in the healing power of the truth.

We examine our beliefs, addictions, and dependent behaviour in the context of living in a hierarchical, patriarchal culture.

We share with another person and the Universe all those things inside of us for which we feel shame and guilt.

We affirm and enjoy our intelligence, strengths and creativity, remembering not to hide these qualities from ourselves and others.

We become willing to let go of shame, guilt and any behavior that keeps us from loving ourselves and others.

We make a list of people we have harmed and people who have harmed us, and take steps to clear out negative energy by making amends and sharing our grievances in a respectful way.

We express love and gratitude to others and increasingly appreciate the wonders of life and the blessings we do have.

We learn to trust our reality and daily affirm that we see what we see, we know what we know, and we feel what we feel.

We promptly admit to mistakes and make amends when appropriate, but we do not say we are sorry for things we have not done, and we do not cover up, analyze, or take responsibility for the shortcomings of others.

We seek out situations, jobs, and people that affirm our intelligence, perceptions, and self-worth and avoid situations or people who are hurtful, harmful, or demeaning to us.

We take steps to heal our physical bodies, organize our lives, reduce stress, and have fun.

We seek to find our inward calling, and develop the will and wisdom to follow it.

We accept the ups and downs of life as natural events that can be used as lessons for our growth.

We grow in awareness that we are sacred beings, interrelated with all living things, and we contribute to restoring peace and balance on the planet.

Charlotte Kasl, Many Roads, One Journey, 1991

If you have found a treatment program that is a good match for you as you seek support we do not want to say anything that would undermine that support. But if you have tried a treatment program, that is based on the 12 Steps, and you have found yourself uncomfortable with parts of it. We want to assure you that you are not alone in your concerns. Many people have wondered whether a 12 Step program is appropriate for women who have experienced abuse.

The 12 Steps have their origin in Alcoholics Anonymous, which was started by two men, Bill Wilson and Robert Smith, in 1935. Wilson and Smith based the 12 Steps on their experience of working with 100 white men and one woman.[1] Bill Wilson, who wrote the Big Book, based his definition of an alcoholic personality on this group of people. He described alcoholics as egocentric, arrogant, resentful, controlling and violent.[2] Although this definition may describe your partner, it does not describe you.

The first people Bill Wilson worked with where privileged white men. They were people of power and influence. Bill Wilson was constantly concerned with the need to deflate the over-blown ego of these alcoholics. Generally, this worked for the white, upper-middle-class, alcoholic men he knew. But it does not fit the needs of most women, poor people, ethnic minorities, or L.G.B.T. people. People who have been victimized and oppressed need to be encouraged and affirmed, not further diminished.

The 12 Steps are intended to humble a person. Many women find the Moral Inventory, in particular, a shaming experience. If you have been dominated, controlled and abused by a man, the starting point for your healing is not humiliation and shame.

Further, A.A. was first developed in a Christian context and makes reference to a male God. Some groups have worked to take away this male language but still, for some, any language about God is a barrier to healing. This may be especially true if you have experienced spiritual abuse from your partner or your religious community. As well, you may want to draw on your own spiritual beliefs. For example, aboriginal people often want to look at their healing in a way that honours their customs.

The 12 Steps is one model of recovery. It has its strengths but also its limitations. Many people appreciate the support they get but do not appreciate the rigidness they encounter or the unwillingness to see the unique needs of each person. Many women have expressed discomfort for the way that men seem to often dominate the meetings. Perhaps being in a mixed group with both men and women does not work for you. Some women have found it preferable to find a group that is for women only.

Some women have found the 16 Steps that are outlined in Charlotte Kasl’s book “Many Road, One Journey” very helpful. The 16 Steps were developed with women and their experiences in mind. She identifies that women often start using substances as a coping and survival strategy. She looks at women’s use of substances in the wider context of their lives.  We have posted the 16 Steps for you to consider as one other model.

If you are seeking to reduce your use of street drugs, alcohol, or prescription medication, you are doing a very courageous thing. You deserve support that recognizes all the challenges in your life and especially recognizes the impacts of abuse in your life.

Good Counseling and Bad Counseling
Many women who have experienced abuse have sought help through a variety of counselors. Sometimes counseling is helpful and sometimes it is not. At its worst, counseling or advice giving can be dangerous if it disconnects you with your voice, your wisdom and your experience.

For example, one woman was told by her counselor to burn a gift her husband had given her. This counselor thought this would send the man a “clear message” about how inappropriate the gift was. The woman knew that, or order to stay emotionally and physically safe, she needed to accept the gift, not burn it. The counselor judged the woman severely for not taking the counselor’s advice. The advice was not only dangerous but the woman lost the support of the counselor when she was not willing to do what the counselor told her to do. This would be an example of extremely bad counseling. First because it involves putting the woman at greater risk and second because it undermines the woman’s wisdom and does not see her as the expert on her own life.

Good counseling should have your physical and emotional safety as its main priority. It is hard to trust yourself and disagree with a professional, but remember you are the expert on your own safety. The best way to decide if a counselor’s suggestions are worth trying is to determine whether the counselor is thinking about how to change something in you, or how to increase your safety. If they are trying to change you, they might not really understand your experiences of abuse and how important it is that you keep your focus on your safety. They may not understand that your choices are extremely limited; that your partner takes away all the good choices.

Good counseling should also help you to hear your own voice and your own wisdom more clearly. If you come away from a counseling session feeling listened to, affirmed and clearer about the negative impacts your partner’s abuse is having on you, this is a good sign. If you come away more confused, doubting yourself or feeling weighed down, it would be good to question whether this counselor is right for you.

It may be helpful to know that counselors are not generally trained about the dynamics and realities of abuse. If you would like to find a counselor to do one-one one work with, look for someone who has specific training in woman abuse. Your local transition house or shelter should know how to access these services. Opening yourself up to someone who does not have training in this area is a bit like asking a car mechanic to do open heart surgery on you. You are going to get hurt if the person does not know what they are doing.

It is incredibly difficult to decide to leave your partner. There are emotional considerations – you may still love him or feel a great deal of guilt about leaving. There are also practical matters – children, housing, finances. You might decide to leave after an explosion but then feel drawn back into the relationship by honeymoon behaviour. For all these reasons, it takes a long time to decide to leave and in fact women often leave several times before leaving for good. If you have left before and come back, you can think of that leaving as a “dress rehearsal” for what you want to do now. That leaving and coming back gave you more information about your partner and your support network. Maybe your partner promised to change but never did. Maybe you found out you needed more support and you can try to find that support now. You know better now what to expect.

His abuse will not stop because you leave. He will continue to display honeymoon, tension and explosion. He may do that through phone calls and texts. He may do it through children you have in common. He may present himself as a “great guy” to others (honeymoon behaviour) to win them over to “his” side. He may use the legal system to hurt you or he may try to sabotage your relationships with people who support you – your friends and family.

If you need to leave urgently, take your purse and go to a Women’s Shelter. If you feel you can take some time to plan your leaving, here are some things you can do to prepare yourself:
• Talk to a Shelter Worker or someone else you trust about your plans
• Get legal advise
• Open your own bank account
• Make photo copies of all financial statements
• Have in your possession birth certificates and passports for you and your children
• Store any irreplaceable items at a friend’s house (eg, baby pictures, family heirlooms)

Just because you are leaving does not mean that you have decided your relationship is over. Maybe you have decided your relationship is over but lots of women leave just for a while because they need a break from the abuse. You are doing what is best for you right now. Try not to put pressure on yourself about whether this separation is permanent or not. Just take one step at a time. If you feel you need to get away for now, work towards being able to do that.

Women, who have experienced abuse, are often told by service providers that they do not have good boundaries.

If a woman’s partner is abusive, it is unsafe for that woman to have boundaries. Abusive men see boundaries as a threat to their power and control and do everything they can to destroy them.

Perhaps you can recall a time when you said “no” to your partner or tried to set some limit on his actions. What was his reaction? Did he respect that limit? It is very scary to say “no” to an abusive man. It is also dangerous. You are looking out for your safety when you accommodate to your partner’s demands. You are trying to survive in a very threatening situation.

If you are living with your partner, it is impossible to have boundaries.
Even if you are separated, it can be extremely difficult to set up boundaries. What we see women doing, post separation, trying to build a wall of protection around themselves and their children. They put this protection in place by moving to a different house, changing locks, refusing to talk on the phone, refusing to meet in person etc. But an abusive ex will do everything he can to get through the wall of protection the woman is trying to construct. He will threaten, manipulate or coerce his way through. He will also recruit others to wear down the wall. He may honeymoon others and then have them try to convince you that you “have to communicate” with him in order to “be reasonable” or “for the good of the children”.

Abusive men will never respect a boundary or a limit. Boundaries are not the issue, abuse is.