Those of us who live in British Columbia have noticed a shift in the rulings of the courts over the past decade or so. It used to be that if parents separated, the children would end up spending the bulk of the time living with their moms. However, in British Columbia now, the starting assumption of judges is that parents will share custody 50/50 after separation. Generally, this will only be altered if one of the parents has been found by the police, or the Ministry of Children and Families, to have physically or sexually abused one of the children.None of the other forms of abuse are considered (emotional, psychological, spiritual). And if only the mother has witnessed the physical abuse, her testimony is not considered sufficient.

This is supposedly done in the name of fairness; the idea being that it is most fair to the mom and the dad if they both have equal time with the children. (Many also believe this is beneficial to the child even though most Developmental Psychologists argue that moving constantly from home to home is detrimental to children.)

I think it is important that we re-examine what we mean by “fair”. It seems to me that it would be fair to the child if the care the child received before separation remained the same, as much as possible, after separation. That would mean, whoever the primary care-giver was before separation would be the primary care-giver after separation. In the case of abuse, the child would see their dad but would live with their moms and benefit from all that that security affords them. 

We sold out of our first printing of the second edition a few weeks back. We ordered 5,000 more copies which just arrived today. They are currently sitting outside on large pallets waiting to be brought inside. Very exciting! Karen.

Sometimes as I interact with other professionals they suggest that a given woman, dealing with abuse, is “in denial” about her situation. Such a comment makes me angry. I realize that some women do not always dwell on the full gravity of their situation because it is just too overwhelming. They deal with as much as they can at any given time. But I see women working hard to bring about change, protect their children, consider their options, etc. — all in an effort to “make things better”. I don’t see that as denial.

I do, however, think that we live in a society that is in deep denial about the pervasiveness and horror of abuse that grips so many women’s lives.

In Canada, a federal politician, Ujjal Dosanjh, after the death of several women at the hands of their partners, told women that all they had to do is come forward and report the abuse and they would be cared for. This shows a profoundly hurtful level of ignorance of the challenges faced by women when they try to leave their abusive partners.

As a society, too often we are not there for women. Too often police do not take women’s concerns seriously. Women leaving from middle class backgrounds, with no financial resources, are denied any help because, on paper, they have assets, even though they can not access them. And perhaps worst of all, we refuse to protect children after a separation insisting that the mother and father share joint custody even though the mother knows that the father is abusive to the children.

So, in my estimation, there is a lot of denial going on but it is not the women who are in denial.

Karen.

Since I wrote about Jackson Katz, I have been thinking about another campaign that is run by men and focuses on what men can do to end violence against women.

The White Ribbon Campaign has grown dramatically since it’s inception and now claims to be the largest movement of men, in the world, working to end violence against women. I’m pretty sure this organization started in Canada! Now they’re in over fifty-five countries. The campaigns and events are led by both men and women, but the focus is on educating men and boys.

If you’ve ever seen someone wearing a white ribbon, it is a kind of personal commitment. This personal aspect is rather cool. It is actually a promise made by a man to “never commit, condone or remain silent about violence against women and girls”.

Our book has been a critical, even life-saving, tool for women in abusive relationships with men. Those two words make a lot of difference. And the White Ribbon Campaign sees that difference and is working to make that difference more visible to everyone.

And, I just discovered, they have a blog! Of course they do.

- Jill

One of many exciting moments for us in publishing this second edition was approaching Jackson Katz.

If you don’t know who Jackson Katz is, I invite you to check out his most recent book, The Macho Paradox, Why Some Men Hurt Women, and Why all Men can Help. He is also the co-creator of educational videos for college and high school students, including Tough Guise: Violence, Media, and the Crisis in Masculinity (2000), Wrestling With Manhood (2002) and Spin the Bottle: Sex, Lies and Alcohol (2004).

Anyway, we sent him a copy and asked him to review it. His response was totally affirming of our work. And timely! We were able to include this quote by him on the back of the book:

“When Love Hurts is a great resource for any woman who is tired of taking the blame for a painful relationship. If you wonder why the man you love is hurting you — and what you can do about it — this book will give you all kinds of useful information and strategies for changing your life. Just as importantly, it makes it clear that you are not responsible for his abusive behavior. ”

Over the years, it has been important to both Karen and myself to connect with other professionals in the field of anti-violence counseling and education. Getting support and affirmation from like-minded individuals has made it easier to keep on keeping on.

To Jackson Katz, I want to once again say thank you.

Jill.

Noellee Mowatt is nineteen years old, nine months pregnant, an immigrant to this country and currently in prison in Ontario. Why is she in prison? Because she will not testify against her boyfriend in court.

Yesterday I talked to a recent client of mine who I thought had some things in common with Noellee and asked her for her thoughts on this shocking turn of events.

With her permission, I would like to share some of Lynn’s experiences and thoughts.

Lynn, like Noellee is young. She was the victim of intimate partner abuse in ways that sound very similar to what has happened to Noellee. But here is where the two stories part.

Lynn’s partner was arrested by police and held in custody while he awaited trial. As it turns out, he waited 6 months for trial which gave Lynn time to process her experience, learn about the dynamics of abuse and feel strong enough to face him in court.

When I first met Lynn, she had many mixed emotions about her ex-partner. She was relieved to be free of him but she continuted to feel sorry for him. (Something abusive men are very good at eliciting.) She hoped he would get help and stop being abusive.

But Lynn had access to lots of good resources. The police officers were very understanding and supportive. They were available to her for advice when her ex did things like write her from prison.

She was given a social worker who understood the dynamics of abuse and free trauma counseling from Vicitim Services. She had family members and friends who were supportive and encouraging. She also entered into 20 weeks of Support Group with our program and read our book When Love Hurts.

It took time for Lynn to recover from all the abuse she had experienced. For several weeks she was concerned about her ex’s well being and held herself particially responsible for what had happened. We know these are things that women who have lived with abuse are taught to think by their partners.

But with lots of support, Lynn was able, after several months, to write a powerful impact statement. So powerful that her ex pleaded guilty and she never had to face him in court.

As I talked last night with Lynn about Noellee sitting in a jail her response to me was “that could have been me!”. Lynn instantly realized that if it had not been for all the support and information about the dynamics of abuse, she would have been unable or unwilling to testify. We both also reflected on how much more difficult things must be for Noellee who is 9 month pregnant. How invested she must be in hoping her boyfriend is the person he has told he is and will be the father he has promised to be. The honeymoon part of the Cycle of abuse is very powerful. (see page 10 of book)

It takes the right information, support, affirmation and perhaps most importantly time for victims of woman abuse to make sense of their experience and to free themselves of the entanglements of abuse. It is deeply disturbing that Noellee seems to have received none of these things but is being taught to fear the very “system” that is supposed to be there to help her.

Karen.

When is murder not murder? In the eyes of the law, it seems that it is not murder if a man kills his wife.

I was deeply upset this week to hear about the death of Hendrikje Priester of Abbotsford who was murdered on March 25th by her common-law husband. There is much about this story that shocks me.

The first shocking thing is that this story was not considered newsworthy. The only media attention her death received was one small news piece in the local weekly paper. We didn’t see radio or television coverage and nothing in either of the daily papers We see this time and time again but it always surprises. When a woman is killed by her partner it is not deemed by the media to be noteworthy. Why is this? If a woman was killed by a stranger, it would be all over the news but when killed by her partner it is insignicant?!?

Stephen Lewis in his Forward to the book “The War on Women” says that as a society, we should see the murder of a woman by by an intimate partner to be an appalling breach of trust and that we should mark such murders with more reverence and attention than other murders. But this is not what happens.

Second, I am frustrated by what appears to be a lack of concern by the police in this matter. The way I came to know about this story is that a friend of mine had had a few brief encounters with Ms. Priester. He was very concerned for her safety and had passed his concern on to the police but the article does not suggest that the police had done anything to try to prevent this tragedy.

Finally I was angered to read the last line of the newspaper article. It reads, “Investigators are calling this a domestic homicide and have determined the death is not linked to other recent murders.” By calling Ms. Priester’s death a “domestic homicide” the horrific nature of what happened to this woman, not only in her last minutes of life, but in the years leading up to it are some how “domesticated” and made not so bad. Furthermore, we are encouraged to feel that this “domestic homicide” has nothing to do with the rest of us. There are no “links”. How appalling. Let’s not forget that 2 women every week are murdered by their intimate partner’s in Canada. How about for a link! When are we going to stop seeing such tradgic losses as isolated events instead of seeing them for what they really are, part of the pattern of hatred and violence that some men exact on their partners.

I know almost nothing about Hedrikje Priester. Was she a mother, a grandmother? Who did she love and who loved her? Who is grieving her loss? I for one want to take a moment to remember this woman. I hope you will too.
Karen.

I just spent a wonderful weekend in Chilliwack facilitating a two day workshop for professionals on the issues of Woman Abuse.

Over 50 people were there from diverse backgrounds. We had transition house workers, counsellors, probation officers, clergy and even one lawyer.

The discussion times were exciting and I found it very encouraging to work with such a large group of people who really wanted to understand this issue better and to bring their knowledge into their work environment.

Often times as Jill and I do this work, we lament the lack of knowlegde out there and how women are often let down by the very systems that are intended to help them. It is great to know there are a great group of committed and knowledgeable people in Chilliwack. Consciousness around this issue needs to shift one person at a time.

A wonderful addition to the weekend was that 4 former clients shared their stories. This story telling was powerful. Putting names and faces to this issue is invaluable.
Karen.