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If you have trouble listening to our player, try listening or downloading the MP3, here.

If you have trouble listening to our player, try listening or downloading the MP3 here.

We would, however, encourage you to do as much thinking about the future as you are able. It may be difficult right now to contemplate needing to leave your home, but this need may arise at some point. It is much more difficult to think about what you should do when you are in the middle of the crisis than if you have a plan in place ahead of time. Remind yourself that just because you have a plan doesn’t mean you have to use it. For example, you can say to yourself, “If I had to leave, this is where I would go.”

You may also be thinking about separating from your partner permanently. Often this seems completely overwhelming. Working on a long-term plan for leaving can break a seemingly overwhelming problem into smaller, attainable steps. Start by gathering resources and information for yourself.

For example, going to a lawyer and seeking advice about protecting your children and your financial security can be an important step. It would be wise not to tell your partner if you see a lawyer. Even though it may seem deceptive to keep this information from him, remember that your partner’s belief structure permits him to put his needs and desires before yours or your children’s (see chapter 7). In the event of a separation, his main concern will be his own well-being. Unfortunately, that leaves only you to be concerned about yourself and your children. Consulting a lawyer is an important step in protecting yourself and them.

Every woman is in a unique situation and has different things to consider as she thinks about her future. For this reason we have included some concrete ideas about planning in different situations. Please look at these ideas and decide what fits your experience.
You can download a longer excerpt of Planning For Safety from When Love Hurts here.

When we share with women the belief that abuse does have a pattern, they begin to see it for themselves. This pattern of behaviour is called the Cycle of Abuse. There are three distinct phases to the Cycle. Each of the phases is abusive, but in different ways and with different effects on you. We will review each phase, first by describing your partner’s behaviour.

The Three Phases: Honeymoon, Tension-building and Explosion.

The Cycle begins with the honeymoon, which women often describe as an intense period of courtship. During this time, the relationship first gets established. We’ve described the first occurrence of the honeymoon in chapter 1. Your partner’s behaviour during the honeymoon period seems positive. He is attentive and considerate. He may give you gifts or make promises, or he may simply behave in a way that seems acceptable or “normal.” The two of you begin to establish a relationship together.

Then comes a period of tension-building. This phase of the Cycle will vary in length. Some abusive men may be sullen, silent, unpredictable or moody for a period of minutes, hours, weeks or months, creating unbearable tension in the relationship. The man’s behaviour during this time may be angry or hostile. Women often describe their partners as being very critical of them. Some men withdraw from the relationship and appear disinterested and distant. They may justify this behaviour with excuses such as stress from work or financial concerns. They may also explain their behaviour by blaming their partners or children for creating the problems. Men will often deny that there is a problem, insisting that there is nothing wrong with their behaviour. Sometimes women feel that they are walking on eggshells, living in fear and trying to avoid the next explosion.

The final phase of the Cycle is the explosion. The first time you experienced an explosion, it may not have seemed that significant, but it probably distressed you. Perhaps your partner raised his voice at you or swore at you. Perhaps he slammed a door or banged down a pot. Perhaps he walked away and gave you the “silent treatment.” If the Cycle has continued for years, the explosion phase becomes marked by increasingly brutal attacks, whether they are physical, verbal, psychological or sexual. The attacks also occur more frequently than at the beginning of the relationship.
After the explosion, your partner probably returns to the honeymoon phase. He stops the negative behaviour he demonstrated during the tension-building and explosion phases and behaves again in a seemingly positive way. Your partner may apologize and promise not to act in such a manner again, or he may simply resume behaving in a way that is acceptable to you. There are many tactics that he may use to convince you to stay with him. Being a caring, forgiving person, you accept his apology or reformed behaviour, and your relationship, and the Cycle, continue.

You may notice over time that your partner’s behaviour during the tension-building and explosion phases becomes more extreme. His behaviour during the honeymoon phase may also change; he may give more gifts and make more promises in order to “win you back.” Alternatively, some women find that the honeymoon period virtually disappears, and the relationship becomes characterized by the tension-building and explosion phases.