For us as authors, our passion is about getting this book into the hands of women who could benefit from it. With Canadian Living’s broad readership we are confident even more women will become aware of what the book has to offer.

There is one important correction that needs to be made from what appears in the write up. The magazine mixed Jill and me up! I am the one with personal experience. If you have not already done so, you can read my story which is posted on our website.

Karen.

I was deeply upset this week to hear about the death of Hendrikje Priester of Abbotsford who was murdered on March 25th by her common-law husband. There is much about this story that shocks me.

The first shocking thing is that this story was not considered newsworthy. The only media attention her death received was one small news piece in the local weekly paper. We didn’t see radio or television coverage and nothing in either of the daily papers We see this time and time again but it always surprises. When a woman is killed by her partner it is not deemed by the media to be noteworthy. Why is this? If a woman was killed by a stranger, it would be all over the news but when killed by her partner it is insignicant?!?

Stephen Lewis in his Forward to the book “The War on Women” says that as a society, we should see the murder of a woman by by an intimate partner to be an appalling breach of trust and that we should mark such murders with more reverence and attention than other murders. But this is not what happens.

Second, I am frustrated by what appears to be a lack of concern by the police in this matter. The way I came to know about this story is that a friend of mine had had a few brief encounters with Ms. Priester. He was very concerned for her safety and had passed his concern on to the police but the article does not suggest that the police had done anything to try to prevent this tragedy.

Finally I was angered to read the last line of the newspaper article. It reads, “Investigators are calling this a domestic homicide and have determined the death is not linked to other recent murders.” By calling Ms. Priester’s death a “domestic homicide” the horrific nature of what happened to this woman, not only in her last minutes of life, but in the years leading up to it are some how “domesticated” and made not so bad. Furthermore, we are encouraged to feel that this “domestic homicide” has nothing to do with the rest of us. There are no “links”. How appalling. Let’s not forget that 2 women every week are murdered by their intimate partner’s in Canada. How about for a link! When are we going to stop seeing such tradgic losses as isolated events instead of seeing them for what they really are, part of the pattern of hatred and violence that some men exact on their partners.

I know almost nothing about Hedrikje Priester. Was she a mother, a grandmother? Who did she love and who loved her? Who is grieving her loss? I for one want to take a moment to remember this woman. I hope you will too.
Karen.

But the most amazing part was what happened the day after the show aired.
Our distributor was inundated with calls from all over the province and by
the end of the day 1,000 copies of the book had been shipped and Chapters
on-line began carrying it.

This experience confirmed what Jill and I already believed to be true. The
information in “When Love Hurts” resonates with women who are living with
abuse. A lot of the interview was focused on forms of abuse that are less
often identified by society (financial and sexual for example). As always
happens when this information is shared, women feel understood, sometimes
for the first time.

We are so thankful to CBC for helping us to reach out with this vital
information. It is exciting to think about women, who have been living in
confusion and feeling it was their fault, to finally get the support and
affirmation they deserve.

Karen.

But for me there is lots of sadness with this day too. In my work, I hear stories all the time of how women are robbed, by their partners, of their freedom of thought and expression. And how they feel controlled and manipulated to the point that they feel that they have disappeared as persons.

Important advancements have been made in public spheres but some days I wonder if much has changed for women in their private and intimate lives.

This week, in one of the groups I lead, two women shared how they were feeling themselves come alive again after being a part from their respective partners for several months. They were finding joy in life again and doing things “they never would have been allowed to do” with their partners.

Once again I thought, what is this world being robbed of when women are “shut-down”, silenced and squashed by their partners oppressive behaviour? What gifts is the world missing out on? What beauty? What joy?

I will celebrate this day but I also look forward to the day when every woman is free to become fully the person she was intended to be.

Karen.

Types of Victim Blaming

The following are statements or comments often made to or about women who have experienced abuse. Each statement carries a value judgment and implies that the woman who is abused by an intimate partner is somehow responsible for anticipating, causing, or stopping that violence. Consider the fact that the same statements applied to victims of most other crime (mugging, for instance) would be considered outrageous.

1) Implying that the woman provoked or “asked for the violence”:
What did you do to make him so mad?
You made your bed, now lie in it!
She’s such a nag – I’d like to hit her myself!
She’d drive anyone to abuse!

2) Implying that the woman could / should have been able to anticipate the abuse:
How long did you know him before you married him?
Did he ever hit you while you were dating?
Did you know he was violent when you married him?
She should have seen it coming!
Couldn’t you tell he was getting upset?
Why didn’t you leave?

3) Implying that the woman (not the abuser) is responsible for stopping or is able to stop the violence:
Why don’t you just leave?
Try to be a better wife
Pray harder
Try to learn better communication skills
Try not to make him so mad!

4) Implying that the woman is masochistic or purposely chooses abusers:
She must enjoy it or she’d leave!
She’s just a co-dependent
She’s attracted to the violent type, you know
She always picks abusers to date

5) Questioning the victim’s intelligence / implying that the woman is stupid or less intelligent:
Why, I’d never put up with it!
The first time a man hit me, I’d be outta there!
I told you he was not good!
What do you see in him?

6) Implying that the woman is or continues to be abused because something is wrong with her:
She must be crazy
You’re making really bad choices
She’s self-destructive

by Julie Owen printed in the PASCH Newsletter – May 2007

It’s not that…
I think that abusive behavior is ‘normal’ or
that I’m attracted to abusive men,

Rather,
When abuse happens, my inner voice is turned down,
dismissed or silenced in some other way!

It’s not that…
I’m stupid for staying in this abusive relationship.

Rather,
I have stayed for a lot of complicated reasons!

It’s not that…
I have low expectations of relationships.

Rather,
The impact of abuse has worn down my expectations!

It’s not that …
I don’t know how to set my boundaries.

Rather,
It may not be safe for me to enforce them!

It’s not that…
Abuse is random and isolated.

Rather,
Abusive men make CHOICES
About what tactics to use!

I remember when I was in an abusive relationship, standing in the card shop reading every card, trying to fine one that I could sign with sincerity. There were none. Valentine’s day, like our wedding anniversary, was just one more reminder that things were not the way I longed for them to be.

If you are reading this blog and you are in a hurtful relationship, know that you are not alone.

Karen.