If you have found a treatment program that is a good match for you as you seek support we do not want to say anything that would undermine that support. But if you have tried a treatment program, that is based on the 12 Steps, and you have found yourself uncomfortable with parts of it. We want to assure you that you are not alone in your concerns. Many people have wondered whether a 12 Step program is appropriate for women who have experienced abuse.

The 12 Steps have their origin in Alcoholics Anonymous, which was started by two men, Bill Wilson and Robert Smith, in 1935. Wilson and Smith based the 12 Steps on their experience of working with 100 white men and one woman.[1] Bill Wilson, who wrote the Big Book, based his definition of an alcoholic personality on this group of people. He described alcoholics as egocentric, arrogant, resentful, controlling and violent.[2] Although this definition may describe your partner, it does not describe you.

The first people Bill Wilson worked with where privileged white men. They were people of power and influence. Bill Wilson was constantly concerned with the need to deflate the over-blown ego of these alcoholics. Generally, this worked for the white, upper-middle-class, alcoholic men he knew. But it does not fit the needs of most women, poor people, ethnic minorities, or L.G.B.T. people. People who have been victimized and oppressed need to be encouraged and affirmed, not further diminished.

The 12 Steps are intended to humble a person. Many women find the Moral Inventory, in particular, a shaming experience. If you have been dominated, controlled and abused by a man, the starting point for your healing is not humiliation and shame.

Further, A.A. was first developed in a Christian context and makes reference to a male God. Some groups have worked to take away this male language but still, for some, any language about God is a barrier to healing. This may be especially true if you have experienced spiritual abuse from your partner or your religious community. As well, you may want to draw on your own spiritual beliefs. For example, aboriginal people often want to look at their healing in a way that honours their customs.

The 12 Steps is one model of recovery. It has its strengths but also its limitations. Many people appreciate the support they get but do not appreciate the rigidness they encounter or the unwillingness to see the unique needs of each person. Many women have expressed discomfort for the way that men seem to often dominate the meetings. Perhaps being in a mixed group with both men and women does not work for you. Some women have found it preferable to find a group that is for women only.

Some women have found the 16 Steps that are outlined in Charlotte Kasl’s book “Many Road, One Journey” very helpful. The 16 Steps were developed with women and their experiences in mind. She identifies that women often start using substances as a coping and survival strategy. She looks at women’s use of substances in the wider context of their lives.  We have posted the 16 Steps for you to consider as one other model.

If you are seeking to reduce your use of street drugs, alcohol, or prescription medication, you are doing a very courageous thing. You deserve support that recognizes all the challenges in your life and especially recognizes the impacts of abuse in your life.

We’ve had some super nice compliments on the photo that Sarah Johnson took of us. We hired Sarah to take photos of us and this is the picture we chose to put on the back page of our book. Thank you Sarah!Jill Cory and Karen McAndless-Davis

Interview with Murphy Browne on Word of Mouth at CKLN FM in Toronto.

Jill and I are thrilled that Canadian Living decided to write a piece about the book in the June edition of their magazine. You can find it on page 76.

For us as authors, our passion is about getting this book into the hands of women who could benefit from it. With Canadian Living’s broad readership we are confident even more women will become aware of what the book has to offer.

There is one important correction that needs to be made from what appears in the write up. The magazine mixed Jill and me up! I am the one with personal experience. If you have not already done so, you can read my story which is posted on our website.

Karen.

When is murder not murder? In the eyes of the law, it seems that it is not murder if a man kills his wife.

I was deeply upset this week to hear about the death of Hendrikje Priester of Abbotsford who was murdered on March 25th by her common-law husband. There is much about this story that shocks me.

The first shocking thing is that this story was not considered newsworthy. The only media attention her death received was one small news piece in the local weekly paper. We didn’t see radio or television coverage and nothing in either of the daily papers We see this time and time again but it always surprises. When a woman is killed by her partner it is not deemed by the media to be noteworthy. Why is this? If a woman was killed by a stranger, it would be all over the news but when killed by her partner it is insignicant?!?

Stephen Lewis in his Forward to the book “The War on Women” says that as a society, we should see the murder of a woman by by an intimate partner to be an appalling breach of trust and that we should mark such murders with more reverence and attention than other murders. But this is not what happens.

Second, I am frustrated by what appears to be a lack of concern by the police in this matter. The way I came to know about this story is that a friend of mine had had a few brief encounters with Ms. Priester. He was very concerned for her safety and had passed his concern on to the police but the article does not suggest that the police had done anything to try to prevent this tragedy.

Finally I was angered to read the last line of the newspaper article. It reads, “Investigators are calling this a domestic homicide and have determined the death is not linked to other recent murders.” By calling Ms. Priester’s death a “domestic homicide” the horrific nature of what happened to this woman, not only in her last minutes of life, but in the years leading up to it are some how “domesticated” and made not so bad. Furthermore, we are encouraged to feel that this “domestic homicide” has nothing to do with the rest of us. There are no “links”. How appalling. Let’s not forget that 2 women every week are murdered by their intimate partner’s in Canada. How about for a link! When are we going to stop seeing such tradgic losses as isolated events instead of seeing them for what they really are, part of the pattern of hatred and violence that some men exact on their partners.

I know almost nothing about Hedrikje Priester. Was she a mother, a grandmother? Who did she love and who loved her? Who is grieving her loss? I for one want to take a moment to remember this woman. I hope you will too.
Karen.

It was a great experience to be interviewed on CBC radio’s B.C. Almanac. The
show airs throughout all of B.C. so it was a wonderful opportunity to raise
the issues we are concerned about with a large audience.

But the most amazing part was what happened the day after the show aired.
Our distributor was inundated with calls from all over the province and by
the end of the day 1,000 copies of the book had been shipped and Chapters
on-line began carrying it.

This experience confirmed what Jill and I already believed to be true. The
information in “When Love Hurts” resonates with women who are living with
abuse. A lot of the interview was focused on forms of abuse that are less
often identified by society (financial and sexual for example). As always
happens when this information is shared, women feel understood, sometimes
for the first time.

We are so thankful to CBC for helping us to reach out with this vital
information. It is exciting to think about women, who have been living in
confusion and feeling it was their fault, to finally get the support and
affirmation they deserve.

Karen.

Check out this great interview by Mark Forsythe from CBC! This conversation between Karen McAndless-Davis and Mark Forsythe was a great review of some central concepts and themes in When Love Hurts.

International Women’s Day is an important day to mark. We have a lot to celebrate. Because of the determined work of many women who have gone before us we enjoy today more freedoms and opportunities than ever before in human history. We remember with some shock that the movement towards giving equality to women is still, in many ways, in its infancy. It was only in 1929 that women were finally considered “persons” in the eyes of the law!

But for me there is lots of sadness with this day too. In my work, I hear stories all the time of how women are robbed, by their partners, of their freedom of thought and expression. And how they feel controlled and manipulated to the point that they feel that they have disappeared as persons.

Important advancements have been made in public spheres but some days I wonder if much has changed for women in their private and intimate lives.

This week, in one of the groups I lead, two women shared how they were feeling themselves come alive again after being a part from their respective partners for several months. They were finding joy in life again and doing things “they never would have been allowed to do” with their partners.

Once again I thought, what is this world being robbed of when women are “shut-down”, silenced and squashed by their partners oppressive behaviour? What gifts is the world missing out on? What beauty? What joy?

I will celebrate this day but I also look forward to the day when every woman is free to become fully the person she was intended to be.

Karen.

Have you ever noticed that women are often blamed for the abuse they experience at the hands of their partners – sometimes subtly and sometimes not so subtly? A colleague of mine wrote this great piece on victim blaming and I wanted to share it with you. Karen.

Types of Victim Blaming

The following are statements or comments often made to or about women who have experienced abuse. Each statement carries a value judgment and implies that the woman who is abused by an intimate partner is somehow responsible for anticipating, causing, or stopping that violence. Consider the fact that the same statements applied to victims of most other crime (mugging, for instance) would be considered outrageous.

1) Implying that the woman provoked or “asked for the violence”:
What did you do to make him so mad?
You made your bed, now lie in it!
She’s such a nag – I’d like to hit her myself!
She’d drive anyone to abuse!

2) Implying that the woman could / should have been able to anticipate the abuse:
How long did you know him before you married him?
Did he ever hit you while you were dating?
Did you know he was violent when you married him?
She should have seen it coming!
Couldn’t you tell he was getting upset?
Why didn’t you leave?

3) Implying that the woman (not the abuser) is responsible for stopping or is able to stop the violence:
Why don’t you just leave?
Try to be a better wife
Pray harder
Try to learn better communication skills
Try not to make him so mad!

4) Implying that the woman is masochistic or purposely chooses abusers:
She must enjoy it or she’d leave!
She’s just a co-dependent
She’s attracted to the violent type, you know
She always picks abusers to date

5) Questioning the victim’s intelligence / implying that the woman is stupid or less intelligent:
Why, I’d never put up with it!
The first time a man hit me, I’d be outta there!
I told you he was not good!
What do you see in him?

6) Implying that the woman is or continues to be abused because something is wrong with her:
She must be crazy
You’re making really bad choices
She’s self-destructive

by Julie Owen printed in the PASCH Newsletter – May 2007

We used this reading last night at the end of our support group. It was written by a colleague of mine (Elsie Wiebe-Klinger). I think it says a lot about the truth about abuse.

It’s not that…
I think that abusive behavior is ‘normal’ or
that I’m attracted to abusive men,

Rather,
When abuse happens, my inner voice is turned down,
dismissed or silenced in some other way!

It’s not that…
I’m stupid for staying in this abusive relationship.

Rather,
I have stayed for a lot of complicated reasons!

It’s not that…
I have low expectations of relationships.

Rather,
The impact of abuse has worn down my expectations!

It’s not that …
I don’t know how to set my boundaries.

Rather,
It may not be safe for me to enforce them!

It’s not that…
Abuse is random and isolated.

Rather,
Abusive men make CHOICES
About what tactics to use!