For more good information and resources on women’s equality: http://www.weareequals.org/

Each woman’s journey to wholeness and safety, after the devastating experience of abuse, is unique, yet there are some important similarities. The healing process tends to involve periods of intense grief and sadness as well as periods of rebuilding and hope.

Here’s what one woman had to say about the journey of hope and sadness.

For several days I had been feeling strong and happy. I had thought very little about my ex-partner. But then I took my daughter to the pool for a swim. I saw all of those moms and dads together with their kids, and sadness flooded over me. I saw in those families what I had always wanted for my daughter and me. It feels discouraging. How much longer am I going to feel all of this pain? When am I going to feel like I’m really getting on with my life? Lynn

Some Rebuilding Emotions:

• I feel hopeful
• I feel strong
• I feel safe
• I feel ‘normal’
• I trust myself
• I like myself

Some Grieving Emotions:

• I feel hopeless
• I am afraid
• I feel hurt
• I feel regret
• I grieve the family I have lost
• I worry about money
• I feel depressed

In order to keep yourself (and your children) safe emotionally and physically safe, you’ve had to pay a great deal of attention to your partner. You probably carefully monitor your partner’s moods and behaviours. You may not have had much opportunity to see how his abuse affects you. Here a partial list of Impacts generated by a group of women in one of our women’s groups.

• Fatigue
• Feel like I’m going crazy
• Feel isolated
• Suffer depression
• Have a lack of interest
• Feel distracted
• Feel overwhelmed
• Judge myself
• Have lost all my friends
• Doubt myself
• Feel rage
• Women also experience many health problems:
• Heart palpitations
• High blood pressure
• Stomach problems
• Weight problems
• Sleep problems
• Muscle pain

Most women are shocked to see the many ways in which the abuse has affected their lives and their health. This list can be very affirming, because it helps to explain concerns that you may have had over feeling forgetful, confused, dizzy, sad or angry. It may also help you to understand shy you’re so exhausted – look at all the things you’ve been coping with!

Will my children grow up to be abusive?

1. If your children witness your partner’s abuse, you are probably concerned about what they are learning. You may worry that your son will grow up to be an abuser or that your daughter will think that abuse is ‘normal’ and marry an abusive partner. While it is true that your partner’s abuse is having a negative impact on your children, it is not true that they will live in abusive relationships as adults.
2. You may consider leaving. Attempting to limit the children’s exposure to abuse is a way to minimize the negative impact your partner is having on them.
3. Consider nurturing relationships with other people who are positive role models for your children. Do you know men who treat others in respectful, loving ways? Perhaps your children have a grandfather, uncle or family friend who could spend time with your children? Hopefully teachers and coaches will also serve as good role models. We realize your partner may try to sabotage efforts to provide your children with good role models and isolate you and your children from people outside your home.
4. Talk to your children about abusive and respectful behaviour. As much as possible, teach your children the vocabulary necessary to describe what is acceptable and appropriate versus disrespectful and abusive.

Remember, people who are raised in homes with an abusive dad can still choos to live in a different way as adults. Recent research suggests that living with a mother who has protected them from harm, even if they have seen and heard the abuse, will protect children from long-term effects of abuse. You can do a number of things to help your children learn about respectful relationships.

Whether you are living with your partner or not, you may still be working on your relationship. List some of the reasons you have for staying in your relationship.

• I still love
• I don’t want to be alone
• I take my marriage vows very seriously
• I still have hopes and dreams for the future
• I feel embarrassed about the abuse
• I’m worried about managing as a single parent
• I don’t want to leave my home
• he has threatened me if I leave
• he has threatened to hurt himself if I leave
• I want the children to have a father
• I feel sorry for him.

No doubt you have spent a lot of time and energy trying to figure out what causes your partner to behave the way he does. Listed below are some common explanations that women struggle with as they try to make sense of their partner’s behaviour.

6 myths about abusive men

• My partner has a problem with anger
• My partner lives with a lot of stress
• My partner is mentally ill
• My partner was abused as a child
• My partner is addicted to drugs or alcohol
• My partner has a different style for dealing with conflict

(from When Love Hurts, pp. 57 -58)

Many women find it hard to imagine that they are being abused by their partners. Part of the struggle has to do with the negative stereotype our culture has of ‘battered women’ and ‘abusive men’. If neither you nor your partner fit the stereotype, it may be even harder to imagine that you’re actually being abused.

Women who are being abused by their partners are like any other women. Some are professionals, some are homemakers, some are wealthy, some are poor. Women who experience abuse come from all racial, ethnic and religious backgrounds. In the same way, abusive men don’t always fit the stereotype. The stereotype is of men who are monstrous and volatile. It does not reflect that these men are often affectionate, charming and sociable, Some men even appear to be progressive in their attitudes about women.

The stereotype of an ‘abused woman’ may prevent women from being able to describe or identify their experiences. You may have struggled between your experience of abuse and the negative stereotype of an ‘abused woman’. We encourage you to pay attention to your experiences rather than to the stereotype.

As I started to read about abuse and attend my support group for women I had very conflicting emotions. On the one hand, it was good to finally figure out what was really going on in my relationship. ON the other hand, I struggled with feeling ashamed that somehow this had happened to me. I was also scared that if I really admitted that I ws being abused, I would then have to leave my partner. That was something I really didn’t want to do. Looking back on it now, I realized that those conflicting emotions were only natural and all I could do was be patient and gentle with myself. Sarah