It is Valentine’s Day. I’ve been listening to the radio on and off all day. The stories are all light and fluffy. The hosts chatter on about love and romance as if this were everyone’s experience. But we know that for lot’s of women love hurts and Valentine’s Day is just one more reminder of that.

I remember when I was in an abusive relationship, standing in the card shop reading every card, trying to fine one that I could sign with sincerity. There were none. Valentine’s day, like our wedding anniversary, was just one more reminder that things were not the way I longed for them to be.

If you are reading this blog and you are in a hurtful relationship, know that you are not alone.

Karen.

I was so saddened last night when I found out that a woman in my community had been murdered by her ex-boyfriend. A worker at my local transition house told me about it with tears in her eyes. The transition house had enjoyed getting to know this woman who was bravely getting her life back from her abusive ex. She was about to move out of the transition house and into a long term housing project. Everything looked so hopeful and then she was dead.

There are lots of questions that come to mind in the face of a tragedy like this but the one that most stands out for me is why did I not hear anything about this. It was not on the radio or t.v. Apparently, there was a small article about it in one of the papers. This woman’s murder happened on the same day that a truck full of quarters fell over on the highway and the quarters ran everywhere. Do you remember hearing about that? That was newsworthy but this woman’s life was not?!?

One to two women a week are murdered by their partner or ex-partner in Canada every year. Women are 13 times more likely to be injured by their partner than by a stranger. The most dangerous place for a woman to be is in her own home! I hope this blog helps to make more visible that which is currently invisible in our society. Women are being hurt – emotionally, verbally, sexually and physically by their partners at a staggering rate.

Karen.

Well, Karen and I have just published the 2nd edition of our book When Love Hurts: A Woman’s Guide to Understanding Abuse in Relationships. With over 11,000 copies sold and a wonderful response from women, transition houses, women’s shelters and women’s support and advocacy workers, we felt it was time to update the book and add a new chapter. We have learned so much from women over the years about the painful process of coming to terms with the realities of living in an abusive relationship.

When we wrote the 1st edition, we didn’t have a lot of experiencing understanding how women grieved and healed from abuse. Over the past 8 years, we have had the privilege of walking alongside women who have left their abusive partner, or witnessed their partners’ changes. We needed to write about this experience so other women could learn from this. So, we now have a chapter entitled “How do I heal from the abuse?”

It has been a truly amazing journey over the past 8 years since Karen and I embarked on co-authoring “When Love Hurts”. In our experience, women work hard to find support and understanding but too often receive misinformation. Sometimes women are told by well-intentioned professionals that it is their fault, echoing the accusations of their abusive partner. Without understanding the painful, confusing and dangerous dynamics of abuse, women are instructed to change: be more assertive, be less assertive, be more independent, stop being co-dependent, quit work and focus on the family, go back to work and gain independence, stop dressing like that, start caring for yourself, work on communicating more effectively, accept her partner as his is, and the list goes on. We’re sure you have stories about bad advice; explanations why your partner is abusive or how it’s your fault.

We hope that this blog and this website will be a place for you to come for helpful information. It is our goal to post ideas that will ring true to your experience. Keep coming back as we will try to post new thoughts on a regular basis.

If you’d like to share your experiences or if you have any questions, please leave a comment below or email us directly at info (at) whenlovehurts.ca!

Jill.

We begin our book with one woman’s story. “Allison” is not this woman’s real name, but her experiences are real. We hope that you will see aspects of your own life reflected in hers. At the same time, we know that every woman is unique, and parts of Allison’s story will not be familiar to you. We also know that the choices Allison made may not be your choices. Every woman finds her own solutions; these are Allison’s solutions, and this is her story.

I met Paul on an airplane flight. We struck up a conversation, and he said, “Why don’t we get together for dinner and a movie?” meaning that we should move to the centre of the plane for the meal and film. It was unusual for men to pay attention to me, so when Paul did, I found it very flattering. I thought to myself, “Here’s this handsome charming man talking to me. This is quite wonderful.”

We talked for a long time on the plane, and I really enjoyed myself, but I also thought that after the flight we’d just go our separate ways. To my surprise, as the plane landed, he asked if we could get together the following evening. We went out for dinner and a play. That night I stayed over at his hotel, which was very romantic. It all seemed so exciting. Looking back, I realize that it happened so quickly I didn’t have time to think it through.

We started dating. He called me all of the time and gave me small gifts and cards. No other man had ever treated me so nicely, and I felt swept off my feet. After a few months, I got a strange call from him in the middle of the night. He was drunk and pressuring me about something, and he just wouldn’t let it go. This was my first indication that there was a problem. Still, it seemed to be an isolated event; I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it.

We did lots of fun things together, but I always had an anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach. When I expressed doubts about the relationship, Paul reassured me by saying, “Don’t worry, my job is to win you over.”

Paul put a lot of pressure on me to live with him, and he also asked me to marry him early on. It was very confusing—he seemed so committed, but at the same time I didn’t like feeling pressured to move things along quickly. He said he wanted to have children with me. This appealed to me as I was 29, I really wanted kids, and it seemed to be the right time in my life for a family.

While we were dating, things seemed to be working out, but I often felt frustrated. Paul never quite understood me; even when I explained things very carefully, he would misinterpret me. He would get angry and insist I had said things I knew I hadn’t. This would make me question my competence, my sanity. I put so much effort into communicating, and he never did. It was exhausting.

One night while I was driving us to a friend’s party, we began arguing, and he hit me on the leg. I stopped the car, and he started screaming. I was really frightened. At other times during our relationship he would slap or hit me, and sometimes I would hit back. No one had ever hit me before, and I had certainly never hit anyone either.

I became clinically depressed and went to see my doctor about antidepressants. My doctor asked, “Are you sure you aren’t just depressed about your relationship?” I said my relationship was good, but looking back on it I see that a lot of my depression was related to Paul.

Around this time, Paul and I also started to see a counselor. When I revealed that Paul had hit me, the counselor said he wouldn’t work with couples if there was any violence. He told me that I had to stop pushing Paul’s buttons and that Paul had to stop hitting me. (Paul still refers to this counselor’s advice many years later by suggesting that our relationship problems were all about me “pushing his buttons.”) Because the counselor was a professional, I wanted to take his advice even though it didn’t feel right to me.

I wanted to buy a place of my own, but we just sort of ended up looking for a place to live in together. I had doubts about buying a home with Paul, but the day the deal went through, I found out I was pregnant. Getting pregnant wasn’t unexpected, and we were both pleased. It became very hard to say no to all of this—a new home, a baby, a partner. I figured I just hadn’t pushed myself hard enough in other relationships. I thought, “These are my insecurities, and I just need to work through this.”

Once we got into our own place, the fights escalated. One night during a disagreement, Paul started smashing a crystal tumbler against my head repeatedly. It was the first time he’d really hurt me. I probably needed stitches, but I didn’t go to the hospital. I was fifteen weeks pregnant and felt emotionally and physically vulnerable. I didn’t tell anyone because I knew others would want me to leave, and I knew I wasn’t going to. Now that I was pregnant, I thought, “I need to make this work.”

When Alex was born, Paul was more supportive during labour than I’d ever hoped, but the next night he called me at the hospital very late. He screamed at me for talking so much to the midwife during the delivery and “flirting” with the doctor. His ranting was awful, but at the same time he did some very nice things, and I was very confused.

Once we got home with the baby, it was all up to me. Paul never dressed, bathed, fed, or changed Alex. I had just assumed that Paul and I were in this together and was disappointed at his self-centredness.
Even at this point, we still had lots of fun together, but it was always interspersed with bad times. We liked to go out to nice restaurants, but there was always tension because I never knew what would set him off.
I finally got some information about a support group for women who have been abused. At first I was hesitant, but hearing other women’s stories was so powerful. I immediately felt that this was a group of women who understood me and all of the crazy stuff that was going on with Paul.

Paul was less physically abusive after the baby was born, but he was much more emotionally and financially abusive. This was confusing because, in some ways, it seemed that things were better, but I actually felt more controlled and intimidated. I see now that Paul just got smarter about his abuse. He appeared to be managing his anger by not hitting me, but he used his anger to be abusive in other ways. It was hard for me to consider leaving when I didn’t feel physically at risk. It has taken a long time for me to figure out what’s normal arguing and what’s abuse.

Because I could be nasty sometimes, I thought I was at fault. I often felt that Paul’s abuse was justified. Sometimes I would blame myself because I felt I had started things. I thought these were arguments, but they were really about Paul staying in control.

A lot of things kept me from leaving the relationship. I thought I was a failure if I couldn’t make it work, and I really wanted a family for Alex and me. I loved my little home and didn’t want to leave it, and anytime I suggested I might leave, Paul threatened me. He also told me that he would want joint custody, and I really didn’t want that for Alex.

We did eventually separate, but Paul made that very difficult too. He fought me on custody, access and support payments.

Once I got some distance from Paul, his abuse continued, but it didn’t affect me nearly as much. The ongoing support of my women’s group, family and friends was crucial.

Some of the decisions that I had to make were really hard, and I never had any guarantees that things would work out. But our lives are so much better and happier now, despite Paul’s ongoing attempts to undermine and control us. Alex and I are happy in our own little home and neighbourhood; the two of us are a family. Not all women need to leave their relationship to feel safe, but I did.

How can I plan ahead?
It may be difficult to plan for the future. Part of the struggle may be that your partner’s abuse leaves you exhausted and off-balance. Because of this, it may be difficult to do more than just get through the day. For some women, the physical, financial or social threats their partner throws at them keep them from making plans for the future. We recognize all of these barriers and understand what a paralyzing effect they may have on you.

We would, however, encourage you to do as much thinking about the future as you are able. It may be difficult right now to contemplate needing to leave your home, but this need may arise at some point. It is much more difficult to think about what you should do when you are in the middle of the crisis than if you have a plan in place ahead of time. Remind yourself that just because you have a plan doesn’t mean you have to use it. For example, you can say to yourself, “If I had to leave, this is where I would go.”

You may also be thinking about separating from your partner permanently. Often this seems completely overwhelming. Working on a long-term plan for leaving can break a seemingly overwhelming problem into smaller, attainable steps. Start by gathering resources and information for yourself.

For example, going to a lawyer and seeking advice about protecting your children and your financial security can be an important step. It would be wise not to tell your partner if you see a lawyer. Even though it may seem deceptive to keep this information from him, remember that your partner’s belief structure permits him to put his needs and desires before yours or your children’s (see chapter 7). In the event of a separation, his main concern will be his own well-being. Unfortunately, that leaves only you to be concerned about yourself and your children. Consulting a lawyer is an important step in protecting yourself and them.

Every woman is in a unique situation and has different things to consider as she thinks about her future. For this reason we have included some concrete ideas about planning in different situations. Please look at these ideas and decide what fits your experience.
You can download a longer excerpt of Planning For Safety from When Love Hurts here.

Is there a pattern?
Most women, living with an abusive partner, find it hard to see any pattern to the abuse. His behaviour seems bizarre and unpredictable. It seems unbelievable that the same person, who is kind and affectionate one day, could be cruel and malicious another. His hurtful behaviour seems to come as isolated events. You may think of him as a generally “good guy” who does some really awful things once in a while.

When we share with women the belief that abuse does have a pattern, they begin to see it for themselves. This pattern of behaviour is called the Cycle of Abuse. There are three distinct phases to the Cycle. Each of the phases is abusive, but in different ways and with different effects on you. We will review each phase, first by describing your partner’s behaviour.

The Three Phases: Honeymoon, Tension-building and Explosion.

The Cycle begins with the honeymoon, which women often describe as an intense period of courtship. During this time, the relationship first gets established. We’ve described the first occurrence of the honeymoon in chapter 1. Your partner’s behaviour during the honeymoon period seems positive. He is attentive and considerate. He may give you gifts or make promises, or he may simply behave in a way that seems acceptable or “normal.” The two of you begin to establish a relationship together.

Then comes a period of tension-building. This phase of the Cycle will vary in length. Some abusive men may be sullen, silent, unpredictable or moody for a period of minutes, hours, weeks or months, creating unbearable tension in the relationship. The man’s behaviour during this time may be angry or hostile. Women often describe their partners as being very critical of them. Some men withdraw from the relationship and appear disinterested and distant. They may justify this behaviour with excuses such as stress from work or financial concerns. They may also explain their behaviour by blaming their partners or children for creating the problems. Men will often deny that there is a problem, insisting that there is nothing wrong with their behaviour. Sometimes women feel that they are walking on eggshells, living in fear and trying to avoid the next explosion.

The final phase of the Cycle is the explosion. The first time you experienced an explosion, it may not have seemed that significant, but it probably distressed you. Perhaps your partner raised his voice at you or swore at you. Perhaps he slammed a door or banged down a pot. Perhaps he walked away and gave you the “silent treatment.” If the Cycle has continued for years, the explosion phase becomes marked by increasingly brutal attacks, whether they are physical, verbal, psychological or sexual. The attacks also occur more frequently than at the beginning of the relationship.
After the explosion, your partner probably returns to the honeymoon phase. He stops the negative behaviour he demonstrated during the tension-building and explosion phases and behaves again in a seemingly positive way. Your partner may apologize and promise not to act in such a manner again, or he may simply resume behaving in a way that is acceptable to you. There are many tactics that he may use to convince you to stay with him. Being a caring, forgiving person, you accept his apology or reformed behaviour, and your relationship, and the Cycle, continue.

You may notice over time that your partner’s behaviour during the tension-building and explosion phases becomes more extreme. His behaviour during the honeymoon phase may also change; he may give more gifts and make more promises in order to “win you back.” Alternatively, some women find that the honeymoon period virtually disappears, and the relationship becomes characterized by the tension-building and explosion phases.

Each woman’s journey to wholeness and safety, after the devastating experience of abuse, is unique, yet there are some important similarities. The healing process tends to involve periods of intense grief and sadness as well as periods of rebuilding and hope.

Here’s what one woman had to say about the journey of hope and sadness.

For several days I had been feeling strong and happy. I had thought very little about my ex-partner. But then I took my daughter to the pool for a swim. I saw all of those moms and dads together with their kids, and sadness flooded over me. I saw in those families what I had always wanted for my daughter and me. It feels discouraging. How much longer am I going to feel all of this pain? When am I going to feel like I’m really getting on with my life? Lynn

Some Rebuilding Emotions:

• I feel hopeful
• I feel strong
• I feel safe
• I feel ‘normal’
• I trust myself
• I like myself

Some Grieving Emotions:

• I feel hopeless
• I am afraid
• I feel hurt
• I feel regret
• I grieve the family I have lost
• I worry about money
• I feel depressed

In order to keep yourself (and your children) safe emotionally and physically safe, you’ve had to pay a great deal of attention to your partner. You probably carefully monitor your partner’s moods and behaviours. You may not have had much opportunity to see how his abuse affects you. Here a partial list of Impacts generated by a group of women in one of our women’s groups.

• Fatigue
• Feel like I’m going crazy
• Feel isolated
• Suffer depression
• Have a lack of interest
• Feel distracted
• Feel overwhelmed
• Judge myself
• Have lost all my friends
• Doubt myself
• Feel rage
• Women also experience many health problems:
• Heart palpitations
• High blood pressure
• Stomach problems
• Weight problems
• Sleep problems
• Muscle pain

Most women are shocked to see the many ways in which the abuse has affected their lives and their health. This list can be very affirming, because it helps to explain concerns that you may have had over feeling forgetful, confused, dizzy, sad or angry. It may also help you to understand shy you’re so exhausted – look at all the things you’ve been coping with!

Will my children grow up to be abusive?

1. If your children witness your partner’s abuse, you are probably concerned about what they are learning. You may worry that your son will grow up to be an abuser or that your daughter will think that abuse is ‘normal’ and marry an abusive partner. While it is true that your partner’s abuse is having a negative impact on your children, it is not true that they will live in abusive relationships as adults.
2. You may consider leaving. Attempting to limit the children’s exposure to abuse is a way to minimize the negative impact your partner is having on them.
3. Consider nurturing relationships with other people who are positive role models for your children. Do you know men who treat others in respectful, loving ways? Perhaps your children have a grandfather, uncle or family friend who could spend time with your children? Hopefully teachers and coaches will also serve as good role models. We realize your partner may try to sabotage efforts to provide your children with good role models and isolate you and your children from people outside your home.
4. Talk to your children about abusive and respectful behaviour. As much as possible, teach your children the vocabulary necessary to describe what is acceptable and appropriate versus disrespectful and abusive.

Remember, people who are raised in homes with an abusive dad can still choos to live in a different way as adults. Recent research suggests that living with a mother who has protected them from harm, even if they have seen and heard the abuse, will protect children from long-term effects of abuse. You can do a number of things to help your children learn about respectful relationships.

Whether you are living with your partner or not, you may still be working on your relationship. List some of the reasons you have for staying in your relationship.

• I still love
• I don’t want to be alone
• I take my marriage vows very seriously
• I still have hopes and dreams for the future
• I feel embarrassed about the abuse
• I’m worried about managing as a single parent
• I don’t want to leave my home
• he has threatened me if I leave
• he has threatened to hurt himself if I leave
• I want the children to have a father
• I feel sorry for him.