Check out this great interview by Mark Forsythe from CBC! This conversation between Karen McAndless-Davis and Mark Forsythe was a great review of some central concepts and themes in When Love Hurts.

International Women’s Day is an important day to mark. We have a lot to celebrate. Because of the determined work of many women who have gone before us we enjoy today more freedoms and opportunities than ever before in human history. We remember with some shock that the movement towards giving equality to women is still, in many ways, in its infancy. It was only in 1929 that women were finally considered “persons” in the eyes of the law!

But for me there is lots of sadness with this day too. In my work, I hear stories all the time of how women are robbed, by their partners, of their freedom of thought and expression. And how they feel controlled and manipulated to the point that they feel that they have disappeared as persons.

Important advancements have been made in public spheres but some days I wonder if much has changed for women in their private and intimate lives.

This week, in one of the groups I lead, two women shared how they were feeling themselves come alive again after being a part from their respective partners for several months. They were finding joy in life again and doing things “they never would have been allowed to do” with their partners.

Once again I thought, what is this world being robbed of when women are “shut-down”, silenced and squashed by their partners oppressive behaviour? What gifts is the world missing out on? What beauty? What joy?

I will celebrate this day but I also look forward to the day when every woman is free to become fully the person she was intended to be.

Karen.

Have you ever noticed that women are often blamed for the abuse they experience at the hands of their partners – sometimes subtly and sometimes not so subtly? A colleague of mine wrote this great piece on victim blaming and I wanted to share it with you. Karen.

Types of Victim Blaming

The following are statements or comments often made to or about women who have experienced abuse. Each statement carries a value judgment and implies that the woman who is abused by an intimate partner is somehow responsible for anticipating, causing, or stopping that violence. Consider the fact that the same statements applied to victims of most other crime (mugging, for instance) would be considered outrageous.

1) Implying that the woman provoked or “asked for the violence”:
What did you do to make him so mad?
You made your bed, now lie in it!
She’s such a nag – I’d like to hit her myself!
She’d drive anyone to abuse!

2) Implying that the woman could / should have been able to anticipate the abuse:
How long did you know him before you married him?
Did he ever hit you while you were dating?
Did you know he was violent when you married him?
She should have seen it coming!
Couldn’t you tell he was getting upset?
Why didn’t you leave?

3) Implying that the woman (not the abuser) is responsible for stopping or is able to stop the violence:
Why don’t you just leave?
Try to be a better wife
Pray harder
Try to learn better communication skills
Try not to make him so mad!

4) Implying that the woman is masochistic or purposely chooses abusers:
She must enjoy it or she’d leave!
She’s just a co-dependent
She’s attracted to the violent type, you know
She always picks abusers to date

5) Questioning the victim’s intelligence / implying that the woman is stupid or less intelligent:
Why, I’d never put up with it!
The first time a man hit me, I’d be outta there!
I told you he was not good!
What do you see in him?

6) Implying that the woman is or continues to be abused because something is wrong with her:
She must be crazy
You’re making really bad choices
She’s self-destructive

by Julie Owen printed in the PASCH Newsletter – May 2007

Check out this great interview by Christy Clark from CKNW! This conversation between Karen McAndless-Davis and Christy Clark was a solid review of some central themes and ideas in When Love Hurts.

We used this reading last night at the end of our support group. It was written by a colleague of mine (Elsie Wiebe-Klinger). I think it says a lot about the truth about abuse.

It’s not that…
I think that abusive behavior is ‘normal’ or
that I’m attracted to abusive men,

Rather,
When abuse happens, my inner voice is turned down,
dismissed or silenced in some other way!

It’s not that…
I’m stupid for staying in this abusive relationship.

Rather,
I have stayed for a lot of complicated reasons!

It’s not that…
I have low expectations of relationships.

Rather,
The impact of abuse has worn down my expectations!

It’s not that …
I don’t know how to set my boundaries.

Rather,
It may not be safe for me to enforce them!

It’s not that…
Abuse is random and isolated.

Rather,
Abusive men make CHOICES
About what tactics to use!

It is Valentine’s Day. I’ve been listening to the radio on and off all day. The stories are all light and fluffy. The hosts chatter on about love and romance as if this were everyone’s experience. But we know that for lot’s of women love hurts and Valentine’s Day is just one more reminder of that.

I remember when I was in an abusive relationship, standing in the card shop reading every card, trying to fine one that I could sign with sincerity. There were none. Valentine’s day, like our wedding anniversary, was just one more reminder that things were not the way I longed for them to be.

If you are reading this blog and you are in a hurtful relationship, know that you are not alone.

Karen.

I was so saddened last night when I found out that a woman in my community had been murdered by her ex-boyfriend. A worker at my local transition house told me about it with tears in her eyes. The transition house had enjoyed getting to know this woman who was bravely getting her life back from her abusive ex. She was about to move out of the transition house and into a long term housing project. Everything looked so hopeful and then she was dead.

There are lots of questions that come to mind in the face of a tragedy like this but the one that most stands out for me is why did I not hear anything about this. It was not on the radio or t.v. Apparently, there was a small article about it in one of the papers. This woman’s murder happened on the same day that a truck full of quarters fell over on the highway and the quarters ran everywhere. Do you remember hearing about that? That was newsworthy but this woman’s life was not?!?

One to two women a week are murdered by their partner or ex-partner in Canada every year. Women are 13 times more likely to be injured by their partner than by a stranger. The most dangerous place for a woman to be is in her own home! I hope this blog helps to make more visible that which is currently invisible in our society. Women are being hurt – emotionally, verbally, sexually and physically by their partners at a staggering rate.

Karen.

Well, Karen and I have just published the 2nd edition of our book When Love Hurts: A Woman’s Guide to Understanding Abuse in Relationships. With over 11,000 copies sold and a wonderful response from women, transition houses, women’s shelters and women’s support and advocacy workers, we felt it was time to update the book and add a new chapter. We have learned so much from women over the years about the painful process of coming to terms with the realities of living in an abusive relationship.

When we wrote the 1st edition, we didn’t have a lot of experiencing understanding how women grieved and healed from abuse. Over the past 8 years, we have had the privilege of walking alongside women who have left their abusive partner, or witnessed their partners’ changes. We needed to write about this experience so other women could learn from this. So, we now have a chapter entitled “How do I heal from the abuse?”

It has been a truly amazing journey over the past 8 years since Karen and I embarked on co-authoring “When Love Hurts”. In our experience, women work hard to find support and understanding but too often receive misinformation. Sometimes women are told by well-intentioned professionals that it is their fault, echoing the accusations of their abusive partner. Without understanding the painful, confusing and dangerous dynamics of abuse, women are instructed to change: be more assertive, be less assertive, be more independent, stop being co-dependent, quit work and focus on the family, go back to work and gain independence, stop dressing like that, start caring for yourself, work on communicating more effectively, accept her partner as his is, and the list goes on. We’re sure you have stories about bad advice; explanations why your partner is abusive or how it’s your fault.

We hope that this blog and this website will be a place for you to come for helpful information. It is our goal to post ideas that will ring true to your experience. Keep coming back as we will try to post new thoughts on a regular basis.

If you’d like to share your experiences or if you have any questions, please leave a comment below or email us directly at info (at) whenlovehurts.ca!

Jill.

We begin our book with one woman’s story. “Allison” is not this woman’s real name, but her experiences are real. We hope that you will see aspects of your own life reflected in hers. At the same time, we know that every woman is unique, and parts of Allison’s story will not be familiar to you. We also know that the choices Allison made may not be your choices. Every woman finds her own solutions; these are Allison’s solutions, and this is her story.

I met Paul on an airplane flight. We struck up a conversation, and he said, “Why don’t we get together for dinner and a movie?” meaning that we should move to the centre of the plane for the meal and film. It was unusual for men to pay attention to me, so when Paul did, I found it very flattering. I thought to myself, “Here’s this handsome charming man talking to me. This is quite wonderful.”

We talked for a long time on the plane, and I really enjoyed myself, but I also thought that after the flight we’d just go our separate ways. To my surprise, as the plane landed, he asked if we could get together the following evening. We went out for dinner and a play. That night I stayed over at his hotel, which was very romantic. It all seemed so exciting. Looking back, I realize that it happened so quickly I didn’t have time to think it through.

We started dating. He called me all of the time and gave me small gifts and cards. No other man had ever treated me so nicely, and I felt swept off my feet. After a few months, I got a strange call from him in the middle of the night. He was drunk and pressuring me about something, and he just wouldn’t let it go. This was my first indication that there was a problem. Still, it seemed to be an isolated event; I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it.

We did lots of fun things together, but I always had an anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach. When I expressed doubts about the relationship, Paul reassured me by saying, “Don’t worry, my job is to win you over.”

Paul put a lot of pressure on me to live with him, and he also asked me to marry him early on. It was very confusing—he seemed so committed, but at the same time I didn’t like feeling pressured to move things along quickly. He said he wanted to have children with me. This appealed to me as I was 29, I really wanted kids, and it seemed to be the right time in my life for a family.

While we were dating, things seemed to be working out, but I often felt frustrated. Paul never quite understood me; even when I explained things very carefully, he would misinterpret me. He would get angry and insist I had said things I knew I hadn’t. This would make me question my competence, my sanity. I put so much effort into communicating, and he never did. It was exhausting.

One night while I was driving us to a friend’s party, we began arguing, and he hit me on the leg. I stopped the car, and he started screaming. I was really frightened. At other times during our relationship he would slap or hit me, and sometimes I would hit back. No one had ever hit me before, and I had certainly never hit anyone either.

I became clinically depressed and went to see my doctor about antidepressants. My doctor asked, “Are you sure you aren’t just depressed about your relationship?” I said my relationship was good, but looking back on it I see that a lot of my depression was related to Paul.

Around this time, Paul and I also started to see a counselor. When I revealed that Paul had hit me, the counselor said he wouldn’t work with couples if there was any violence. He told me that I had to stop pushing Paul’s buttons and that Paul had to stop hitting me. (Paul still refers to this counselor’s advice many years later by suggesting that our relationship problems were all about me “pushing his buttons.”) Because the counselor was a professional, I wanted to take his advice even though it didn’t feel right to me.

I wanted to buy a place of my own, but we just sort of ended up looking for a place to live in together. I had doubts about buying a home with Paul, but the day the deal went through, I found out I was pregnant. Getting pregnant wasn’t unexpected, and we were both pleased. It became very hard to say no to all of this—a new home, a baby, a partner. I figured I just hadn’t pushed myself hard enough in other relationships. I thought, “These are my insecurities, and I just need to work through this.”

Once we got into our own place, the fights escalated. One night during a disagreement, Paul started smashing a crystal tumbler against my head repeatedly. It was the first time he’d really hurt me. I probably needed stitches, but I didn’t go to the hospital. I was fifteen weeks pregnant and felt emotionally and physically vulnerable. I didn’t tell anyone because I knew others would want me to leave, and I knew I wasn’t going to. Now that I was pregnant, I thought, “I need to make this work.”

When Alex was born, Paul was more supportive during labour than I’d ever hoped, but the next night he called me at the hospital very late. He screamed at me for talking so much to the midwife during the delivery and “flirting” with the doctor. His ranting was awful, but at the same time he did some very nice things, and I was very confused.

Once we got home with the baby, it was all up to me. Paul never dressed, bathed, fed, or changed Alex. I had just assumed that Paul and I were in this together and was disappointed at his self-centredness.
Even at this point, we still had lots of fun together, but it was always interspersed with bad times. We liked to go out to nice restaurants, but there was always tension because I never knew what would set him off.
I finally got some information about a support group for women who have been abused. At first I was hesitant, but hearing other women’s stories was so powerful. I immediately felt that this was a group of women who understood me and all of the crazy stuff that was going on with Paul.

Paul was less physically abusive after the baby was born, but he was much more emotionally and financially abusive. This was confusing because, in some ways, it seemed that things were better, but I actually felt more controlled and intimidated. I see now that Paul just got smarter about his abuse. He appeared to be managing his anger by not hitting me, but he used his anger to be abusive in other ways. It was hard for me to consider leaving when I didn’t feel physically at risk. It has taken a long time for me to figure out what’s normal arguing and what’s abuse.

Because I could be nasty sometimes, I thought I was at fault. I often felt that Paul’s abuse was justified. Sometimes I would blame myself because I felt I had started things. I thought these were arguments, but they were really about Paul staying in control.

A lot of things kept me from leaving the relationship. I thought I was a failure if I couldn’t make it work, and I really wanted a family for Alex and me. I loved my little home and didn’t want to leave it, and anytime I suggested I might leave, Paul threatened me. He also told me that he would want joint custody, and I really didn’t want that for Alex.

We did eventually separate, but Paul made that very difficult too. He fought me on custody, access and support payments.

Once I got some distance from Paul, his abuse continued, but it didn’t affect me nearly as much. The ongoing support of my women’s group, family and friends was crucial.

Some of the decisions that I had to make were really hard, and I never had any guarantees that things would work out. But our lives are so much better and happier now, despite Paul’s ongoing attempts to undermine and control us. Alex and I are happy in our own little home and neighbourhood; the two of us are a family. Not all women need to leave their relationship to feel safe, but I did.

How can I plan ahead?
It may be difficult to plan for the future. Part of the struggle may be that your partner’s abuse leaves you exhausted and off-balance. Because of this, it may be difficult to do more than just get through the day. For some women, the physical, financial or social threats their partner throws at them keep them from making plans for the future. We recognize all of these barriers and understand what a paralyzing effect they may have on you.

We would, however, encourage you to do as much thinking about the future as you are able. It may be difficult right now to contemplate needing to leave your home, but this need may arise at some point. It is much more difficult to think about what you should do when you are in the middle of the crisis than if you have a plan in place ahead of time. Remind yourself that just because you have a plan doesn’t mean you have to use it. For example, you can say to yourself, “If I had to leave, this is where I would go.”

You may also be thinking about separating from your partner permanently. Often this seems completely overwhelming. Working on a long-term plan for leaving can break a seemingly overwhelming problem into smaller, attainable steps. Start by gathering resources and information for yourself.

For example, going to a lawyer and seeking advice about protecting your children and your financial security can be an important step. It would be wise not to tell your partner if you see a lawyer. Even though it may seem deceptive to keep this information from him, remember that your partner’s belief structure permits him to put his needs and desires before yours or your children’s (see chapter 7). In the event of a separation, his main concern will be his own well-being. Unfortunately, that leaves only you to be concerned about yourself and your children. Consulting a lawyer is an important step in protecting yourself and them.

Every woman is in a unique situation and has different things to consider as she thinks about her future. For this reason we have included some concrete ideas about planning in different situations. Please look at these ideas and decide what fits your experience.
You can download a longer excerpt of Planning For Safety from When Love Hurts here.