Some women who are abused by their partners wonder if the problem is low self-esteem. A woman may wonder if this is why she has “put up with abuse” for so long; because she did not think she deserved better.

No one, independently, develops a solid sense of self. Humans are, by nature, social beings . All of us have our self-image shaped by the people around us, especially those we are close to. People in our lives act as mirrors, reflecting information back to us. The problem is, if you are with an abusive partner, you have had one huge mirror dominating your life – your partner – and that mirror is sending back false information to you. Your partner is like one of those crazy distorted mirrors you might find at a circus. Those mirrors are designed to lie. They completely distort your image so much that you can hardly recognize yourself. This is what you partner does to you. He says things like you are “lazy”, “stupid” or “a bad mother”. But these things are not true.

Further, because abusive men insist on dominating a woman’s life, they end up pushing out other mirrors in your life. Your partner has perhaps discouraged your friendship with people who might reflect a more positive and more accurate picture back to you.

For these reasons, we don’t think of women as having “poor self-esteem”. You may not feel like you have much self-worth, but this is the result of your partner manipulating your ideas about you – not some sort of inherent weakness or problem that you have. Some women have been told that if they ‘work’ on their self-esteem, their relationship will improve. If your partner is abusive, this is not true. You cannot hold onto a positive image of yourself while you are with your partner. He does not want you to feel good about yourself.

Over the years, women have shown us that once they get some distance from the abuse, their sense of self heals. It is getting rid of that big distorted mirror and gradually replacing it with accurate mirrors. By this we mean bringing into your life people who will reflect back an accurate picture of yourself. It is inviting people into your life who will tell you what they like about you and what strengths they see in you. A women’s group is a great place for this part of the healing process to begin. The facilitators and other participants in group help you to see yourself in a more accurate way.

Some women say that they entered their relationship with a poor sense of self to begin with. This is also no reason or explanation for abuse. It is not unusual for a person to come out of a bad childhood or bad relationship not feeling good about themselves. A loving, respectful partner helps us to see the best in ourselves and is protective and kind about our vulnerabilities. Your partner likely presented himself as a kind and affirming person in the honeymoon but ultimately he capitalized on the negative ideas that you had developed about yourself. They became fuel for his abuse.

Sometimes it is suggested that women with “poor self-esteem” take an assertiveness training course. We think this is dangerous advice. Your partner is not abusive because you lack assertiveness. Abusive men will take any effort on the part of a woman to assert herself as a challenge to his power and control and will become more abusive. If you are cautious and accommodating to your partner that is because he is dangerous and you are doing your best to keep safe. When women are told that the “problem” is her “poor self-esteem” or her “lack of assertiveness”, reality is distorted and the focus shifts off of the real problem – the man’s abuse. Women end up confused once again and in even more danger.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder occurs when a person has been subjected to a traumatic situation. After the event, the person finds themselves suffering mental distress from the trauma to the extent that it is disruptive to their life. Common symptoms of PTSD are flashbacks, nightmares and heightened anxiety.

Perhaps a professional or support person has suggested to you that you are experiencing PTSD. You may have found this helpful or unhelpful depending on how you understand that concept. First of all, it might be helpful to rename it for yourself and call it Post Traumatic Stress Response instead of Disorder. After all, the reactions that people have to trauma are normal human responses. It is normal, after a traumatic event, to be more vigilant, or to experience nightmares or flashbacks. This is the brains way of trying to deal with the distressing sensations taken in during the traumatic event. It is also the brains way of trying to keep you safe from further harm. It is your brain saying to you “be careful”, “be on guard”, “be alert”.

A common way that people can experience PTSD is to be in a harrowing car accident. This is a single traumatic event. But for women who have lived with an abusive partner, they have not suffered one single traumatic event, but many frightening events, sometimes over a long period of time. While someone who has suffered a car accident, after being rescued, is no longer in jeopardy, women, dealing with an abusive partner, are still in danger. Even after separation women continue to be at great risk for injury. In fact, the most dangerous time for women is the weeks and months after separation.

For these reasons, the use of PTSD in reference to women who have experienced abuse needs to be done in a way that understands the complexity of the experience for women.

Maybe you are suffering from post traumatic stress response and maybe you are not. If you think that you are, it might be helpful to think of it not as a label that describes you but rather as a description that helps to name what has happened to you. You have experienced a great deal of abuse. This abuse has left you feeling overwhelmed, afraid, confused and exhausted. These are normal responses to what you partner has done to you. Post traumatic stress response is just another form of impact from the abuse. It should not be a label that leaves you feeling like you are “crazy” or that there is something wrong with you. Rather, it should help you to understand why you are feeling the way you are feeling.

You will want to be careful how others define you. If helping professionals use PTSD as a way to describe what has happened to you and they see your responses to abuse as normal human responses, you will likely feel comfortable with that. If, however, helping professionals use PTSD to define you, you will not likely feel comfortable with that.

For more good information and resources on women’s equality: http://www.weareequals.org/

I am just watching Meredith Baxter on Oprah and finding so much of her story helpful. The stories she is telling is so typical of women who have been abused by their partner – the fear, confusion etc. Her examples of how her partner wore her down with insults and putdowns were powerful. As usual, Oprah missed the opportunity to engage the issue of woman abuse in a helpful way. Instead of seeing woman abuse as a massive sociological issue plaguing the world, she chose to interpret it as an issue in one woman’s life (in this case Meredith Baxter) and one that the woman is largely responsible for. It was also unfortunate that Baxter’s drinking was seen as an additional issue instead of (obviously) a coping strategy that Baxter used to survive in an abusive marriage. If Baxter’s story rang true with your story, I hope you will read our website and our book. You are not alone. 1 in 6 women in North America have stories very similar to Meredith Baxter and you.

I hear the theory that if a woman was abused as a child she will think abuse is “normal” when she is an adult. This idea makes me angry and here is why. If we suggest that because a woman was abused as a child, she thinks abuse is normal, we are suggesting that she does not know right from wrong and that she cannot detect abuse. We are suggesting that she has no personal, internal wisdom about what is okay and what is not okay in a relationship. This is not true; women know when something does not feel “okay”. Their intuition or “voice” tells them this. They may have learned to not listen to this voice, or that it is dangerous to act on what they know, but it is there. We want to help women to hear their voice and to trust it. If we suggest that previous abuse has destroyed her voice, we leave her feeling like she is not a whole person. Furthermore, we have removed her from being the expert on her own life and put ourselves in that position.

We’ve had some super nice compliments on the photo that Sarah Johnson took of us. We hired Sarah to take photos of us and this is the picture we chose to put on the back page of our book. Thank you Sarah!Jill Cory and Karen McAndless-Davis

Those of us who live in British Columbia have noticed a shift in the rulings of the courts over the past decade or so. It used to be that if parents separated, the children would end up spending the bulk of the time living with their moms. However, in British Columbia now, the starting assumption of judges is that parents will share custody 50/50 after separation. Generally, this will only be altered if one of the parents has been found by the police, or the Ministry of Children and Families, to have physically or sexually abused one of the children.None of the other forms of abuse are considered (emotional, psychological, spiritual). And if only the mother has witnessed the physical abuse, her testimony is not considered sufficient.

This is supposedly done in the name of fairness; the idea being that it is most fair to the mom and the dad if they both have equal time with the children. (Many also believe this is beneficial to the child even though most Developmental Psychologists argue that moving constantly from home to home is detrimental to children.)

I think it is important that we re-examine what we mean by “fair”. It seems to me that it would be fair to the child if the care the child received before separation remained the same, as much as possible, after separation. That would mean, whoever the primary care-giver was before separation would be the primary care-giver after separation. In the case of abuse, the child would see their dad but would live with their moms and benefit from all that that security affords them. 

We sold out of our first printing of the second edition a few weeks back. We ordered 5,000 more copies which just arrived today. They are currently sitting outside on large pallets waiting to be brought inside. Very exciting! Karen.