We’ve had some super nice compliments on the photo that Sarah Johnson took of us. We hired Sarah to take photos of us and this is the picture we chose to put on the back page of our book. Thank you Sarah!Jill Cory and Karen McAndless-Davis

Those of us who live in British Columbia have noticed a shift in the rulings of the courts over the past decade or so. It used to be that if parents separated, the children would end up spending the bulk of the time living with their moms. However, in British Columbia now, the starting assumption of judges is that parents will share custody 50/50 after separation. Generally, this will only be altered if one of the parents has been found by the police, or the Ministry of Children and Families, to have physically or sexually abused one of the children.None of the other forms of abuse are considered (emotional, psychological, spiritual). And if only the mother has witnessed the physical abuse, her testimony is not considered sufficient.

This is supposedly done in the name of fairness; the idea being that it is most fair to the mom and the dad if they both have equal time with the children. (Many also believe this is beneficial to the child even though most Developmental Psychologists argue that moving constantly from home to home is detrimental to children.)

I think it is important that we re-examine what we mean by “fair”. It seems to me that it would be fair to the child if the care the child received before separation remained the same, as much as possible, after separation. That would mean, whoever the primary care-giver was before separation would be the primary care-giver after separation. In the case of abuse, the child would see their dad but would live with their moms and benefit from all that that security affords them. 

We sold out of our first printing of the second edition a few weeks back. We ordered 5,000 more copies which just arrived today. They are currently sitting outside on large pallets waiting to be brought inside. Very exciting! Karen.

Walt had his 65th birthday party on Friday and raised over $1,000 to buy copies of the book. These books will be placed in libraries, prisons, and Women’s  Resource Centres; all in a effort to get the book into more women’s hands. Walt, thank you for making “When Love Hurts” part of your birthday celebration! Karen.

A wonderful woman name Darla recently celebrated her birthday. Instead of people bringing gifts to her party, she invited people to buy copies of When Love Hurts so they could be placed in libraries in the Greater Vancouver Area.  Enough money was raised to buy 70 books! Her motivation was simple: she wants as many women as possible to have access to the book that has been so helpful to her. Way to go Darla!

Sometimes as I interact with other professionals they suggest that a given woman, dealing with abuse, is “in denial” about her situation. Such a comment makes me angry. I realize that some women do not always dwell on the full gravity of their situation because it is just too overwhelming. They deal with as much as they can at any given time. But I see women working hard to bring about change, protect their children, consider their options, etc. — all in an effort to “make things better”. I don’t see that as denial.

I do, however, think that we live in a society that is in deep denial about the pervasiveness and horror of abuse that grips so many women’s lives.

In Canada, a federal politician, Ujjal Dosanjh, after the death of several women at the hands of their partners, told women that all they had to do is come forward and report the abuse and they would be cared for. This shows a profoundly hurtful level of ignorance of the challenges faced by women when they try to leave their abusive partners.

As a society, too often we are not there for women. Too often police do not take women’s concerns seriously. Women leaving from middle class backgrounds, with no financial resources, are denied any help because, on paper, they have assets, even though they can not access them. And perhaps worst of all, we refuse to protect children after a separation insisting that the mother and father share joint custody even though the mother knows that the father is abusive to the children.

So, in my estimation, there is a lot of denial going on but it is not the women who are in denial.

Karen.

I recently saw the movie “The Secret Life of Bees”. This is a great movie about strong women who support and encourage each other through tough times. The main character, Lily, flees her abusive father, searching for safety and answers to her questions.

The movie does a good job of portraying domestic violence. Lily’s mother is portrayed as a beautiful and bright woman who is attracted to Lily’s father for all the right reasons. But, as is true to life, Lily’s father hides his abusiveness until Lily’s mother is pregnant and can no longer just walk away. The abuse escalates and lives are destroyed.

Despite the heavy nature of the topics explored in the movie, “The Secret Life of Bees” is a very uplifting and encouraging story. I saw it with my parents, and my son. After the movie, we couldn’t stop talking about it. My son is 13 and my folks are in their 70’s. We had all been drawn in by this great story of amazing women. I’d highly recommend the movie to anyone. I think I just recommended it to you!